My Rajneesh,
The love of my life,
The essence of the day was
heavy upon me since the moment grey dawn opened my eyes. I was so full of you
that even when half-an-hour found me lifting the icy shutters of the shop, I
was unable to feel the cold wind that wished to blow away my faded grass-green dupatta. Despite thinking of you all the
morning, I still was unprepared for what happened next. As I was dusting the
bubble-candy jars some time later, little Binni came bustling up to the counter
and thrust her little hand clutching a 50 rupee note towards me. I put the milk
and the bread into the little jute bag she brought each day. Suddenly, noticing
something, she smiled a smile which revealed a gaping hole instead of her front
teeth and chirped, “No mehendi? My
mother has such a nice design, though
Manju aunty next-door has got it even better. Do not you like your hands
coloured? See- even I got a flower! Are you not taking the Karvachauth, aunty?”
Oh Raji! The change slipped from my hand and for a little while before I regained composure, my heart was still and my soul trembled. I felt it in my stomach, I felt it as it coursed through my spine and I felt it as it clouded my entire being. All in one little moment. One little moment and every single detail flashed before my eyes- the henna on my hands, those too had flowers. I used to hide your initials in every design throughout the years. You never were able to dissuade me from fasting though you only relented on the condition that I let you fast too. The bangles, the rich red dress, the preparations and the love wafting in the air- You said you could smell it. I never told you, but Raji, I could smell it too- always. The moments in the terrace- the moon, the sieve, your face. It was funny how you just had to imitate me in all the rites! You writers are certainly somewhat heavy in the head I bet! But I let you do all that. Because I know you could give up anything for me- even your own principles- even your life. But I never wanted you to do that. I was so happy just knowing that you could- that was enough for me. How do I know that? Didn’t I tell you silly, I could smell it upon you! How we would break fasts at exactly the same moment and smile so sheepishly. And the way you carried me down and we nibbled, seated in incensed candlelight. How we would embrace and it always felt so pure, so sacred and simultaneously exalted to become one that day. The feeli-
Oh Raji! The change slipped from my hand and for a little while before I regained composure, my heart was still and my soul trembled. I felt it in my stomach, I felt it as it coursed through my spine and I felt it as it clouded my entire being. All in one little moment. One little moment and every single detail flashed before my eyes- the henna on my hands, those too had flowers. I used to hide your initials in every design throughout the years. You never were able to dissuade me from fasting though you only relented on the condition that I let you fast too. The bangles, the rich red dress, the preparations and the love wafting in the air- You said you could smell it. I never told you, but Raji, I could smell it too- always. The moments in the terrace- the moon, the sieve, your face. It was funny how you just had to imitate me in all the rites! You writers are certainly somewhat heavy in the head I bet! But I let you do all that. Because I know you could give up anything for me- even your own principles- even your life. But I never wanted you to do that. I was so happy just knowing that you could- that was enough for me. How do I know that? Didn’t I tell you silly, I could smell it upon you! How we would break fasts at exactly the same moment and smile so sheepishly. And the way you carried me down and we nibbled, seated in incensed candlelight. How we would embrace and it always felt so pure, so sacred and simultaneously exalted to become one that day. The feeli-
“What happened Shalu aunty?”
Binni ejaculated, her smile lost, her gaze fixed at my face.
I found myself somehow- “Your
flower’s beautiful, Binni.”
Silence.
“I have my fast, Binni. But I
don’t feel like adorning. My husband is gone, three years now.”
After the girl was gone, I
turned on the chair and sobbed and sobbed and did not stop. Now, the moon is
up, I have eaten and I’m writing, hoping this little communication will feel as
pure, as sacred and as exalting as when you were there. Oh Raji… I miss you.
This letter will remain unsent since no mail in the world could get it to you,
where you are now. I will keep it in the jewellery-box you gifted me last time
to put in the ear-rings I bought. This shall be your gift this year. Where’s
mine? I’m waiting.
Yours to this day (and for all
others to come),
Shalini.
Lovely article bro..! And very beautifully put..!
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