#4. A Hole In My Heart

My Rajneesh,

The love of my life,

The essence of the day was heavy upon me since the moment grey dawn opened my eyes. I was so full of you that even when half-an-hour found me lifting the icy shutters of the shop, I was unable to feel the cold wind that wished to blow away my faded grass-green dupatta. Despite thinking of you all the morning, I still was unprepared for what happened next. As I was dusting the bubble-candy jars some time later, little Binni came bustling up to the counter and thrust her little hand clutching a 50 rupee note towards me. I put the milk and the bread into the little jute bag she brought each day. Suddenly, noticing something, she smiled a smile which revealed a gaping hole instead of her front teeth and chirped, “No mehendi? My mother has such a nice design, though Manju aunty next-door has got it even better. Do not you like your hands coloured? See- even I got a flower! Are you not taking the Karvachauth, aunty?”
Oh Raji! The change slipped from my hand and for a little while before I regained composure, my heart was still and my soul trembled. I felt it in my stomach, I felt it as it coursed through my spine and I felt it as it clouded my entire being. All in one little moment. One little moment and every single detail flashed before my eyes- the henna on my hands, those too had flowers. I used to hide your initials in every design throughout the years. You never were able to dissuade me from fasting though you only relented on the condition that I let you fast too. The bangles, the rich red dress, the preparations and the love wafting in the air- You said you could smell it. I never told you, but Raji, I could smell it too- always. The moments in the terrace- the moon, the sieve, your face. It was funny how you just had to imitate me in all the rites! You writers are certainly somewhat heavy in the head I bet! But I let you do all that. Because I know you could give up anything for me- even your own principles- even your life. But I never wanted you to do that. I was so happy just knowing that you could- that was enough for me. How do I know that? Didn’t I tell you silly, I could smell it upon you! How we would break fasts at exactly the same moment and smile so sheepishly. And the way you carried me down and we nibbled, seated in incensed candlelight. How we would embrace and it always felt so pure, so sacred and simultaneously exalted to become one that day. The feeli-

“What happened Shalu aunty?” Binni ejaculated, her smile lost, her gaze fixed at my face.

I found myself somehow- “Your flower’s beautiful, Binni.”

Silence.

“I have my fast, Binni. But I don’t feel like adorning. My husband is gone, three years now.”

After the girl was gone, I turned on the chair and sobbed and sobbed and did not stop. Now, the moon is up, I have eaten and I’m writing, hoping this little communication will feel as pure, as sacred and as exalting as when you were there. Oh Raji… I miss you. This letter will remain unsent since no mail in the world could get it to you, where you are now. I will keep it in the jewellery-box you gifted me last time to put in the ear-rings I bought. This shall be your gift this year. Where’s mine? I’m waiting.

Yours to this day (and for all others to come),

Shalini.

#3. Living Apart! Really?

Dear Shonu,
Meli behnaa,

                   As kilometres separate us, we stand divided and we stand apart. I know, however, that when we say ''distance'', it does not always mean kilometres. We can be close while we are far and we can be far while sitting right next to each other, isn't it? I want to tell you this, little sister, that we are not that parted then, as much as Google Maps would love to tell you. It's not a matter of closeness by the inches as much as it is the matter of closeness by the heart. And I wish to tell you that I hold you so close to my heart that you have gotten inside. (Hahahah! What was that?! :P Never mind!) When I lie in my bed in my room sometimes, and feel the stillness around, and find that the silence is so full that it needs to be broken, and realize that your presence best breaks that silence, I find myself going back into the past. I can feel the days when your laughter rang like wind-chimes in the breeze. I can feel the moments when we walked together- gazing at the dazzling stars in the inky sky, with the breeze kissing our faces and the curls of your untied jet hair lifting with the air, seemed like so many gentle inky waves in the margins of the night-time oceans. Your presence is like a stone plummeting into a pond (yea, we have done that!)- it breaks all the creepy, sad, silent stillness into a million ripples of laughter, disaster, contentment and silly fun and more joyful after-currents follow for a long long time. And all the way while we walked in the night air, licking inexpensive ice-creams, gazing starry fireflies in the fields, laughing merrily at random jokes as we would walk towards home, I would think- this is life, and the place where I was heading is home! It is not the four walls on our name that made it my home. It is you, and mother, and myself, and what we share between us. It is all that we make of it, together. Now I'm away. But as long as you think of me sometimes and smile, and I, of you, and a little tear might creep into my eye, until then, meri choti, nothing will lie changed, absolutely nothing- The same love, the same nights, the same feelings, the same ripples even and especially, the same HOME.

I love you, and I got your Rakhi. I'll bring you a treat when I come. I miss seeing you. And don't worry, I'll come back for you. Till then, look after yourself, look after mother and look after Payal (teach her to catch mice, if you can).

Study well for the exams and keep going!

All the best!

Your mighty brother,
The greatest ever,
Monu 

#2. Fingers May Part, But Never Our Hearts

Dear Simmi,
My sunshine,

Every lazy morning the sun streams in through my window and caresses me. I rub my eyes open, I snuggle and cuddle, I roll around and make some sleepy noises and I hug my pillow. At that moment, early in the morning with the pillow in my arms, a smile on my face, I close my eyes and I think of you. You just feel like this, I know- it’s warm, it’s cosy, it’s gentle and comforting and most importantly, it’s my own. I can turn to it when nobody is there to soothe me. Likewise, I can turn to you. There isn’t a morning that passes by when I don’t embrace my pillow and there isn’t a time when I hug my pillow and don’t think of you. Mornings and nights, and all the time between them, I think of you. I miss you, my sunshine.

There was this time when we were these little kids with no care in the world, rolling in mud in the rains, cutting classes more often than taking them, kicking each-other, laughing away till all the veins in the forehead hurt and all the air in our lungs was spent. And then some years rolled but it made no difference- the sun saw us, still kid’s at heart, tearing at each-other’s hair for this new, cute guy in class or over this or over that, fighting perpetually. But after thrashing each-other soundly over the day and when we had quarrelled to our hearts’ content, the evenings found us giggling and loving, the new boy given up as a bad job. You hugged me so hard when the day was done, that I still feel its impact in my bosom when I close my eyes. Do you remember the time we ran away together with nothing but food in our bag? I wonder what would have happened if they would not have caught us the very same night. Hah! At least we managed to put two towns behind us before they brought us down. I wonder, Sims, I wonder- I wonder a lot many things- and they are all about you. Oh, how I adore you, kitty.

School’s up poor girl, and we have come to the fork in the road where we must walk different paths. We shall be parted, sunshine. I wish there was just one road to walk, but there are many and we must find our own way. I wish more than anything in the world to walk with you but my road calls me and yours calls you. Shall the fingers that were forever entwined part, dear girl? I guess it is farewell. God! My hand trembles and my heart’s full. Tears roll as I write and realise. But don’t you cry poor babe- when you miss me just place your hand on your heart. You will find me there. We might not see each other for a long time to come, but let mine heart go with you and let yours come with me. No road is straight my pal! They bend, here, there, everywhere! And I know- a bend will come when my road will cross yours! I’ll wait for you there, sunshine. And if I’m not there, then wait for me- I will be just round the corner!

PS- I LOVE YOU.

Your moonlight,

Kruti

#1. A Letter Never Sent

Dear Veronica, My Love,

This night, seated in fragrant candlelight, as I write, I hear the wind that whistles outside. The pitter-patter of rain on the panes unsettles me. The candles flicker often, the flames dance and the shadows leap and dive in my little study. Despite the night's noise, I hear loud and clear, a certain silence. Water caresses the panes and I feel the storm outside, but even as I'm aware of the tempest, I feel stillness all around. Each time I look at the armchair besides the burning fire, I see you there, smiling peacefully. Then the fire hisses and crackles and then you fade away slowly.The smile lingers longer and rends my heart as it dissolves. Oh! Don't mind if the ink spreads, my dear- it's only one little tear. I miss you, that's all.

It feels bare without a hand on my shoulder. It feels silent without hot breath on my ears. It feels cold without arms around me. It feels lonely without a hand holding mine. It feels melancholy without a smile that stays. It feels still altogether without you, love. The music, the colours, the sun and the spring, the ringing laughter, the fruits and the birds, are all lost to me. It feels hollow without you, love.

The world goes on, night comes, night goes, seasons change, I turn calenders, but the cold doesn't  go. The winter is in my heart, dear and it refuses to set. I tried to turn over leaves, but spring won't come. I know myself to be fading. I feel myself perishing. If I dissolve, may I dissolve to where you are, and may my smile linger peacefully behind for a while as well. Wherever you are, wherever you go, be at calm, don't abandon smile- I'll find you, my love.

With withering heart and wavering hands I write to you. I miss you much and I love thee true.

Happy anniversary, love. See? I remember.

Yours for ever and a day, Brian